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05 August 2013 @ 01:06 am

It's been a long time since I have posted to an ED community. Since I was about 16 actually.

I am now 21 years of age and as you can imagine, my ED hasn't left me, it never leaves.

I had anorexia, then it developed into bulimia when I was forced to eat, then it developed into binge eating when I was forced to recover from bulimia and it yo yo'ed back and forth and back and forth and here I am, a compulsive over eater.

I feel fatter than ever, and I finally relapsed. I never really truly recovered, I just ate and ate and ate and ate to shut it up, it worked for a year and a half and then it all came crashing down.

I am at the highest weight I have ever been in my life and I can't believe what I have done to myself.

My lowest weight was 98lbs/ 7 stone and I am 5 ft 3.   Now, I weigh a disgusting abominable weight...I'm scared to say, but I will, because I deserve to be ashamed about it.

I weigh 149lbs/ 10 stone 9lbs.  The only reason I weigh that, is because 2 weeks ago I started cutting down my calories to less than 500 a day and exercising on my bike every night for as long as I could, 2 weeks ago I weighed a whopping 161lbs/ 11 stone 7lbs.

Oh guys, I hate myself more than ever, and I'm completely alone in it all, my boyfriend doesn't understand and I don't really have any friends to understand. I dunno who to talk too or even what to talk about.

I'm scared that no-one will understand, or that people will make fun of me for what I am doing, I'm losing my mind a little.

So I posted here, because I feel that I might be accepted here :(

Edit: I should also say that I used to be in this community when I was 16 years of age, but I don't think anyone I used to know would even remember me or be here at this point...

06 February 2011 @ 12:10 am
Hello all,
This is my first time being on in about 1-1/2 years! I'm suprised that the account didn't disable. Anyroad, I have been eating a bit too ..well carelessly for the last six months. I've gained what i'd consider quite a bit of weight, and i am so tired of not ever feeling beautiful, like i used to. I need help gals, could you help me get back on track? its midnight here so I'm starting now. I dont care how long i have to fast, or whatever.

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
29 January 2010 @ 04:24 pm
 In all honesty, I just don't know what i'm doing right now
I feel as if ive really lost my mind

I have the tendancy to constantly cause conflict/drama/problems in relationships, Just so that i'll have an excuse to fight
I did it with my last boyfriend, and he finally broke up with me.
But now i'm with(or was with) a new guy, And i've been doing the exact thing to him


We "brokeup" last night, And i thought he'd call me to makeup, But he didnt.
All he did was send me a comment on myspace which said

I know you may not ever reply, or even see this. All i want you to know is that i don't hate you, And im going to take what youve showed me and learn from it. I hope in the future we can have some sort of a friendship. I dont really have much to say except i respect you, and i love you. This has been fun, Bye.

Thats not normally like him at all.
Usually he will fight like hell for me,
And tell me over and over how he's not going to leave me.

Im so alone and scared. Hes one of the best things to happen to me, And i screwed it up.
I really am considering counseling? I think i have a problem.

Not to mention on the way home from school, Some sophmore decided to come sit by me with his video recorder rolling and ask me if i liked girls?

"Your facebook said you did"
I dont even have a facebook?

And now this video clip of me is going to be all over the internet.
He purposely set me up to look like an idiot.

I dont even feel like living anymore.
Im not suicidal by any means, But i just mean i want to crawl under a rock and stay there.
No one cares anymore, And this time, Its my fault...


Current Mood: Alone
Current Music: Devour-Shinedown
17 August 2009 @ 09:18 pm

im watching 'the machinist'
with christian bale, its really good [:
-watch it.

he is soo scary thin in the film
he dropped 62lbs to play the part - weighing just 120lbs (around that)
his diet to drop the weight was basically starving himself for 4 months
living off just coffee & an apple a day.
man has will power!

hope your all well
& havin a good day

09 August 2009 @ 03:27 pm

yesturday my mum took a picture of me
when i looked at it, my collar bones looked so visible
i was so happy [:
also brought some 0.5kg weights, cant wait to tone my arms
still 112,

whats made you smile lately?
have a good day
29 July 2009 @ 04:29 pm
This community's rather changed since the days of yore.

Watching people over the years say "Screw this, I'm leaving" made me wonder when I'd do the same, and some people in this community are so mind-numbingly stupid it's difficult to carry on with reading, commenting, offering advice, and posting here.

So, bye: I hope those of you who need help can find it.
17 July 2009 @ 07:41 pm

when people ask you at the end of summer what you did,
what do you hope to be saying to them?

i hope to be saying:
1. I lost 14lbs (reaching my UGW of 98lbs)
2. I wrote a book
3. I went to see Derren Brown (will be on the 25th)

have a good day
02 June 2009 @ 07:40 am
hi how are you
03 May 2009 @ 12:32 am
i swear, the models for marc jacobs are PERFECT.

not to mention, he's my favorite designer. :)
03 May 2009 @ 12:05 am
Evening ladies and gents :)

So...after a two year sex drought, I got some action today and, if I'm being honest, I still got it :-P 

That said, it was the first time I was naked in front of another person since I got strip searched before they took my shoelaces in the psych ward about three months ago.  Today's experience was only slightly more comfortable. 

I don't think the problem I had was one that is exclusive to men who have it off with men, so I wanted to see if anyone (male, female, gay, str8, animal, vegetable, mineral, etc..) could relate.  The guy was almost exactly the same size as me...same height, weight, and even other private measurements that guys are wont to compare.  I found him attractive, at least attractive enough to mess around with, and while I'm not picky, I like to think I know the difference between attraction and desperation.  The problem?  Somewhere on my sick, awkward journey, I came up with the idea that certain types of people "fit" with certain other types.  Like when I see one part of a couple, I can almost describe without seeing, the other partner...like someone in their "league" I suppose.  Pretty people with pretty people....pierced up scene folks with similarly pierced people...overweight with overweight...etc... 

All this being said, I was out and out pissed off because this guy referred to himself as "fat."  Me, of course being SUCH a smooth talker in bed, picked my head up and told him he was not fat....not because he wasn't, but because if he was, then that meant that I was.

Way to get back in the saddle, huh.

<3 Steve

Current Mood: bouncybouncy
02 May 2009 @ 08:54 pm
with only 2 hours go to till 24 hours
question: if im fasting and then i eat but purge immedietly afterwards....do i start my fast over or continue?
now im uber bored and bored means hungry and hungry means eating
i wish i wasnt in virtual isolation
im sick of being alone
i get bored of myself lol

Current Music: human-the killers
02 May 2009 @ 08:30 pm

do you guys ever feel like your mouth/ breath tastes like your seriously rotting on the inside?
i brush my teeth and chew  gum but i know the smell is coming from my empty tummy...
i always wonder if the guy im sleeping with notices :/
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: elliot smith -between the bars
02 May 2009 @ 11:34 pm
im so impatient.

i just want to be....

i dont know...

b e a u t i f u l

03 May 2009 @ 04:20 am
I've had a really bad week/10 days. Emotionally I feel like crap, and physically I feel, well horrid, But this isen't going to be a whiney post, This post is about evolution, MY Evolution, tomorrow I'm going to find a way to make myself feel good, usually I do this by not eating, but we all have to eat eventually, and that devastates me, so I am going to find a way to be positive and focused about my Evolution, Tomorrow I am going to be one step closer to becoming the Real Me, and I will be Happy about that!

Sorry if this post seems weird, I'm posting it as a reminder to myself, or well more like a commitment to myself, I just hate feeling so sad, and this is me trying to make myself less so

Goodnight Folks


[mood| sleepy]
02 May 2009 @ 11:27 pm
i've been throwing a whole bunch of food out this week. it's food that i didn't pay for but i was afraid i would binge on it. i threw out two cartons of potato salad from KFC and dumped a half a tub of ice cream down the sink. god i just...wish that i had more control. i'm so weak. 
02 May 2009 @ 10:24 pm

why me?Collapse )

why me?Collapse )
Current Mood: sadsad
02 May 2009 @ 10:12 pm
i havent been on here for the last two weeks.
but it seems like forever.
a lot has changed.
the troll is gone ( reason i left)
new colors in the community, which i really like.
I gained 10lbs in less then a week.
i have been feeling really faint and dizzy because i took too much motrin.
stupid throat.
in 12 days is dinner dance and i blew it with gaining 10 pounds.
is it possible to lose 15 pounds in 12 days?

I just googled 'scenespo' and my comp almost crashed from all the bloody photobucket pictures.
SOOOO many good ones.
I wish I could be beautiful.
02 May 2009 @ 07:40 pm

Because I couldn't get the phone I've been dying for.
So I just said "fuck it' and spent almost all my money.
I never shop, because I wanted to wait till I'm thin.
Oh yeahhh, and I never have any money!
I got two shirts that were a little tight and mostly accessories.
I also got a pair of shorts: BRIGHT RED

Didn't even try them on. Doubt they'd fit.
I won't be happy until I can wear them,
and wear them well.


PS Does any one else buy clothes for when they're thin?